I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You Might Also Like
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?