@MauriceBlitz: I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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@kelkulus: Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying "Home Alone" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
@DaddyJew: Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
@Sarcasticsapien: When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.