Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
You Might Also Like
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars