You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
How software testing works
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?