What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado