I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Seals are just dog mermaids.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
this independent good boy don’t need no human
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes