Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.