@noogscorner: I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like "That one's shaped like an idiot."
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@bea_ker:  Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous *the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*
@shkeeber: Me: *passes ransom note* Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies? Me: Or you'll never see the cat alive! Mom: He's behind you. Me: STUPID KITTY!
@KeetPotato: [schmoozing at fancy dinner] me: im a private investigator wife: you're allowed to say gynaecologist, keith me: people are eating, linda
@PaulGibson1963: Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on "too many kids" & "making it look accidental." Found my iPad but haven't seen her all day.