If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work