I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Tony Hawk, age 6
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.