I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.