I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.