I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury