@neiltyson: i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@theevilwriter: I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted.
@BoogTweets: 911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet. Me: I WASNT READY