Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
The struggle is real
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Miscakes
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.