I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
this is funnier than any friends episode
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”