Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
*bites zombie*
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?