I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.