Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
You Might Also Like
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.