I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
This is my pinned tweet