Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You Might Also Like
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
rise and shine we got egg
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Thank you corporation very cool
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.