I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
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[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me doing my best
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN