I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
everyone’s a critic
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys