I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
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PLOT TWIST:
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence