I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies