I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
You Might Also Like
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?