[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Raisins are grape jerky.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING