You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.