I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
seems like a niche market
RT if you could go either way.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.