@dubstep4dads: I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
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@DanMentos: [first date] me: they know me here date: *reading sign on wall* "No Puppetry"? me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that
@UnicornSyrup: Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
@rockymomax: [swimming] friend: shark! me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean* me: well I’ll be damned