@dubstep4dads: I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
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@VenisVal: Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait? Boss: Today!
@joeljeffrey: I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
@jwomackou: [spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes