I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
girls literally only want one thing..
I’d love this…lol
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.