@GregHenchman: I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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@DaddyJew: Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you
@NicestHippo: I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker
@Dschnoeb: Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos.
@daemonic3: Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"