I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Have a lovely day 😊
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.