I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
You Might Also Like
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
my professor scared me for a second
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Twitter remains undefeated
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”