I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off