I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”