I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
me after eating Cheetos
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
somebody come look at this
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark