professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.