@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
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@thepunningman: [interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
@SpencerLenox: A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
@Adar79Angie: Him: What gets you hot, baby? Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent. H: Zoinks, like, there's a ghost! Let's get out of here Scoob! M: *swoons*
@Howiesbookclub: Blood oranges at the farmer's market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.