@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
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@mrkoodge: *at an AA meeting* "Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol." *gets aggressively escorted out*
@MarylandMudflap: Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper "I know it's been you shitting in my yard."
@stephenjmolloy: 'Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?' - instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.