@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
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@tastefactory: I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said "This is what happens to roses who cross me"
@Sarcasticsapien: I hate when people say "Look at me when I'm talking to you." I mean, c'mon, one inconvenience at a time.
@1Bad_Scientist: Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency! Me: *grabs tools* Neighbor is naked and wet Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?