Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon