I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I am HOWLING at this
🙄😏😂🤣
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.