my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Skills
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.