I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
channeling her this year
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.