I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
wishing you and yours all the best
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Who knew!
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Florida man
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If you know, you know