Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
You Might Also Like
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*