@mzyvonne7: There is no "we" in pizza
@Brianhopecomedy: Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, "NA NA, you couldn't stop me!" so he also received his first cross-check.
@revious: My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
@noog: "I think that kid's a robot"
What?
"Look at his mouth"
Relax they're just braces
*backs away slowly*
"That's exactly what a robot would say"
@isabelzawtun: We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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