Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
You Might Also Like
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
wishing you and yours all the best
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.