@DonQuickoats: I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go
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@mzyvonne7: There is no "we" in pizza
@Brianhopecomedy: Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, "NA NA, you couldn't stop me!" so he also received his first cross-check.
@revious: My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
@noog: "I think that kid's a robot" What? "Look at his mouth" Relax they're just braces *backs away slowly* "That's exactly what a robot would say"
@isabelzawtun: We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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