@DonQuickoats: I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go
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@jlock17: Subway only exists because we're all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here's $8."
@PorkUrPine: Me: *delivers fantastic presentation* Fish Boss: great work! Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think! Fish Boss: you're fired.
@Social_Mime: Texting my wife when we were dating - What are you wearing? Texting my wife now - Did the dog poop?
@SamTR7: *Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces* Lois Lane: "What the heck?? Who are those people up there?"