I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word