I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.