I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!