[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us