Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Breaking news:
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.