[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My sex drive has a dui
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest